Numbness

Just numb….

Overthinking, insecurities, that’s what I specialize in. I live a life I hate, I work job I hate, I have material assets most people would dream they had but I feel nothing but emptiness.

Unfulfilled, complacent, lazy. That’s how I would describe myself. Never reaching my potential while always talking about the changes I’m going to make to better myself. Becoming too comfortable living a sheltered life I cannot relate or understand real struggle.

In life you get a reality check about your shortcomings and either have to use that opportunity to change or deflect and make excuses. But what if you’ve reached a point when all you want to do is move away and start over? What if the only real happiness you’ve felt in the last 10 years was just a brief blip from someone not available. It’s sad when you look at my life I have friends who would do anything for me, family who always protect me and take care of me, money, cars, houses, good looks but as I’m writing this blog I’m so unbelievably unhappy and wish I could disappear.

When I come home I don’t do anything a normal person does. I go to my basement, sit on the couch and just stare at the tv while it’s turned off. I don’t move I just shut my mind off. Then I’ll go in the other room and turn my treadmill on and listen to music while walking on the treadmill in the dark. Then I go take a shower in the dark as well. I know it’s weird, but I’m weird so what do you expect?

I work the same mindless job every day, I have the same mindless conversations with my coworkers every day, the same problems, the same routine. I’m considered an asshole at work and a nice guy outside of it. I go to the gym, I exercise daily, I’m working on starting my own moving business. But for the last 10 years, except for a few months this year I only feel numb and never happy.

I’m not a self deprecating person, I have high standards for myself. I value the words authenticity, respect, loyalty but something is wrong. Something is missing in my life. I can’t shake this numb feeling. The unhappiness and unfulfillment I always feel. Something needs to change, I need to change. I can’t keep doing this because it sucks always feeling like this.